TO: Bachelor Nation

FROM: Melissa McKay

RE: The Bachelor – Peter, Episodes 1 & 2

DATE: 20 January 2020

______________________________________________________________________________

Introduction

1. On 6 January 2020, at 8PM EST, the latest season of The Bachelor premiered. For the next several months, generically attractive women will attempt to convince themselves that they are in love with, or at the very least, interested in, a wholly average man[1] who dates all of them.
2. This season features Peter Weber, who previously competed in the franchise as a contestant on “Alabama Hannah” Brown’s season of The Bachelorette.[2]
3. Peter is a 28-year old pilot for Delta airlines, of German and Cuban descent,[3] and has a younger brother named Jack.[4] As a child, Peter played a young Roman Brady in one episode of Days of Our Lives,[5] and also starred in a commercial for The Sylvan Learning Center.[6] Peter additionally starred in two short films in 2013 and 2014,[7] which leads me to believe that his intention is to turn his experience on The Bachelor franchise into an acting career, based not on talent, but through sheer willpower from Bachelor Nation.
4. Peter was born on 4 August 1991, in Westlake Village, California, a city in Los Angeles county. His family home is a 15-minute drive from the Bachelor Mansion, something that was highlighted when he was a contestant on Alabama Hannah’s season. As a high school senior, he was the captain of a rocketry team[8] that competed on a national level, and was quoted in the local paper as having “worked on our own time and on weekends,”[9] rather than this being a project required by any science class.[10]
5. In the nicest way possible, Peter makes me feel as though I have face blindness.[11] He seems boring, he’s not someone you would necessarily notice in a crowded room, he barely posts any photos of his dog,[12] he posts memes to his Instagram account,[13] and is ‘pilot’ really a job title we’re meant to be worked up over? Am I missing something? Do I not know what he actually looks like?[14]

Episode One[15]

6. Episode One brings us the introductions of the women who will be manipulated by producers into thinking they enjoy the company of the sack of potatoes that is Peter. I like Maddie, who played NCAA basketball, so I hope she sees the light and gets out. There is also a blonde nurse who seems nice.[16] There is a 23-year old named Hannah Ann, who will go far because Peter’s last girlfriend was named Hannah and that makes things easier for him, memory wise.[17] There is a 22-year old “fashion blogger” from Langley, Canada, which is a place near Vancouver wherein the most recent news headlines involve a suspicious car fire[18] and a home where animals have been seized from multiple times.[19] I think that paints a clear enough picture of how I feel about her.
7. One of the blonde women, on the first night, reveals that she has never been given flowers by a partner, making it all the more meaningful that Peter offers her a rose at the end of the night.[20]
8. The drama of the night occurs when Peter’s ex, former Bachelorette lead “Alabama Hannah”, returns to see Peter. The new women are worried she will try to get back together with him and that he is not over this woman, who he did want to propose to roughly four months prior to filming this night. Alabama Hannah, however, has just returned to give Peter back his pilot’s wings (which he gave her when they started dating on The Bachelorette) and wish him luck on his journey.
9. Peter cuts some people whose names I never learned. I’m not impressed by the limo entrances – there is no sloth, there is no woman with an Australian accent. It’s like these women aren’t even trying to get an Instagram sponsorship deal. Maddie stays, the Canadian stays, Hannah Ann stays.
10. Peter takes the women on their first group date.[21] On the date, they have to go through pilot training activities, which makes sense because, on every first date I go on, I force the individual in question to draft of a summary judgment motion. What is kindness and a sense of humour without proper citations?
11. One of the activities the women must partake in is going on a centrifuge machine, which is a machine that spins you around in all directions and is not something I believe to be generally part of Delta’s commercial airline pilot training programme. I enjoy carnival rides, so I’ll allow it, though I feel like it misleads us all into thinking Peter is a fighter pilot or astronaut, which are in fact impressive careers.
12. Upon seeing the centrifuge machine, the woman who received her first ever flower the night before recounts her fear of being dizzy.[22] Her voice plays over images of children in a teacup ride at a carnival, and she relays an experience on a such ride where she subsequently vomited, which she describes as “traumatic.” We are twenty days into January and there have been fourteen mass shootings[23] in the United States already,[24] so I think we’re going to need to dial down the trauma of being a child and vomiting at a carnival.
13. Flowers overcomes her trauma to ride the centrifuge machine, gets off, and promptly runs to the bathroom to vomit. Peter, being the perfectly average and normal human that he is, goes to check on her. She refuses him entry, lest he see her in this unlady-like condition. Finally, she allows him to bring her a bottle of water, and then states that this is the nicest thing any of her dates has ever done for her. I am concerned about Flowers. In what social construct have you existed so that you have reached the age of your early to mid-twenties and all the people you have dated are so callous that bringing you a bottle of water when you aren’t feeling well is an amazing act? Oh right, the patriarchy. Carry on.
14. A girl named Kelley gets a rose somehow, despite doing absolutely nothing noteworthy.[25] What is noteworthy is the fact that she is an “attorney”[26] who works at her dad’s law firm with her brothers, who are also attorneys, and that as part of her intro video, she, her dad, and her brothers hosted a meeting in their conference room and displayed the name of their firm as some very sad free advertising.
15. Peter then takes Maddie, the NCAA basketball player who I like, on the first one on one date. Flying in the face of all social norms, he decides that he should take her to his parents’ vow renewal ceremony, just up the road. Nothing screams boundary issues like someone who forces you to meet their entire family the day after you meet them. Maddie, to her credit, impresses Peter’s parents while awkwardly sitting alone in a crowd of strangers and applauding their love. Peter conducts the ceremony, but seems to be confused as to the significance of a vow renewal ceremony, as he congratulates himself for becoming a registered minister to conduct something a dog could legally oversee.
16. Maddie gets a rose.
17. The next date is perhaps the implementation one of the worst ideas I’ve witnessed. Peter decides to invite Alabama Hannah to host the date. She relays the story of how she and Peter first had sex in a windmill while filming her season of The Bachelorette, and then tells the women that they will be performing a story recounting one of their firsts, sexual or otherwise. The women, who clearly were unhappy when she showed up on night one, are perturbed that she has returned yet again, this time with an inappropriate tale regarding the man they are trying to convince themselves they like. It is much more difficult to be socially manipulated into thinking you like someone when their ex is around reminding you that he was in love with them four months ago.
18. Once the women are assigned this task, Peter runs off with Alabama Hannah, to ask her if she wants to come on the show as a contestant. She sits on his lap and they cry, until Alabama Hannah reminds herself that mere months ago there were literally two other men she had wanted to marry over Peter. The odds are that if someone was your third choice to commit to a future with, they will always be your third choice, so she leaves. Peter, meanwhile, has played his cards all wrong, and showed that he is not ready to find love with someone else, but for some reason all these women buy him saying he just needed to say goodbye to Alabama Hannah one last time. Peter cancels the rest of the date and tells the women that they will regroup at the evening event.

Episode Two

19. Episode Two opens with footage of Alabama Hannah leaving Peter in an emotionally devastated state. Nevertheless, he persisted, and attends the evening event with the women he abandoned in an attempt to get his ex-situation.[27] A lonely woman seems willing to voice her concern over this behaviour: the sole contestant who is in her 30s. Old Crone[28] spends the initial portion of the evening stirring up the other women’s irritation prior to the evening event, which Peter not so charmingly refers to as “the afterparty”. Old Crone then pulls Peter aside to tell him she would like him to figure out what he wants, but not at the expense of the other women. Peter tells her he likes her directness. She is confused by Peter’s appreciation for women who have opinions, which temporarily diffuses her irritation. I suspect we will see more drama from Old Crone as the season continues.
20. We somehow end up at the rose ceremony. Peter spends time with the Canadian fashion blogger, who will be referred to as Wannabe Jillian.[29] Somewhere along the line (maybe when he was on his rocketry team, I don’t know) Peter saw a movie, or read an article, or got bad advice, which led him to believe that it was sexy to pick women up, place them on objects (pool tables, counters, the like), and make out with them. In the first episode, at some point, a woman thanked him for saying something to her, stating, “I needed to hear that,” and in response, Peter said, verbatim, “You know what you need? To be on this stool,” before picking her up, placing her on a stool, and kissing her. He does this again to Wannabe Jillian, but without the words, and I think on a counter. He also did this to Alabama Hannah during her season. It’s a pattern of behaviour that I don’t condone.
21. Peter then starts spending time with the other women and asking them how they met. I kid you not. The man abandoned these women to pursue his ex and then can’t even remember how they showed up to the mansion. I am also bad at names, but if I had a harem, I would have a producer in my ear reminding me, or I would force everyone to wear nametags.
22. During Episode Two, we are faced with the drama of what we now know as Champagne Gate.

Champagne Gate

Statement of Claim (filed by Kelsey)

23. You know what you did, Hannah Ann, and I don’t trust you.
24. That was a special bottle and you knew it.
25. You can pretend you’re innocent, but I know you’re a snake.

Statement of Defence (filed by Hannah Ann)

26. There were two bottles of champagne.
27. I did not know this was your bottle.
28. I’m very sorry you feel hurt.

Agreed Statement of Facts

29. Kelsey, an adult 28-year old woman, received a bottle of champagne as a gift for her birthday prior to appearing on The Bachelor. She had saved this bottle for nearly a year, for a special occasion.
30. Kelsey decided that the second rose ceremony, wherein she would be conversing with Peter and roughly 20 other women, constituted a special enough occasion to open and subsequently drink this bottle. She intended that the bottle be shared between her and Peter alone.
31. Kelsey proceeded to set up a little nook outside the mansion beside a fireplace, with a blanket and an ice bucket – the former, to warm her and Peter, the latter, to chill the champagne. The night carried on as a typical rose ceremony, with contestants fighting for one on one time with the lead.
32. Prior to the point in time wherein Kelsey could steal Peter away from the other women for their private champagne moment, Peter and Hannah Ann went outside the mansion to speak, where they came across a bottle of champagne in an ice bucket, next to a blanket and fireplace. The producers, naturally, did not inform either Peter or Hannah Ann that this was Kelsey’s special bottle.[30]

Disposition

33. Peter chases after Kelsey, because these are the actions of an emotionally stable woman who will boost the ratings. They do, in fact, find a second bottle of champagne, which Kelsey accidentally knocks over. Peter convinces her to drink this bottle with him, and Kelsey suggests they drink it out of the bottle because she’s “not a classy bitch all the time.”[31] She forgets about carbonation, the effect of shaking carbonated beverages, and the flow of liquids out of long-necked bottles, which results in champagne erupting all over her face.[32]
34. Both Kelsey and Hannah Ann receive roses.
35. No costs awarded.

We are still in episode 2 but there is another group date; I don’t know if I bought enough wine.

36. Supermodel Janice Dickinson is on this group date! As is one of the members of the original Queer Eye cast. The women will now walk the runway in a fashion show, in a date activity that actually makes sense given many men’s unrealistic expectations of having it all, when they are in fact, the human version of a bologna sandwich.[33]
37. Wannabe Jillian thinks she’s going to win this date, because she is a fashion blogger. Her failure is thus incredibly satisfying, as she initially walks the runway in an outfit that appears to have been inspired by a Bratz doll,[34] and follows it up with an outfit that provokes Janice Dickinson to say, “What is this, it’s not Vegas.”
38. Two women are selected to compete in a walk-off – Hannah Ann and an insecure woman named Victoria F. Hannah Ann wins, which upsets Victoria F. She proceeds to have a talk with Peter where she states that this show might not be worth the potential harm to her mental health, a very fair point. Peter would like her to stay, so tells her that her struggle with anxiety is “endearing” – a statement that enrages me because anxiety and mental illness are not jokes, and Victoria F. isn’t here to star in your manic pixie dream girl[35] reboot, Peter.
39. Peter gives her a rose and she accepts.

Conclusion

40. The episode ends with Hannah Ann telling Peter that, following Champagne Gate, Kelsey bullied her to the point that she spent the entire night crying. It usually isn’t a good move to throw someone else under the bus for bullying, but Kelsey has acted irrationally in front of Peter already and we are only on Episode 2, and he seems to genuinely like Hannah Ann, so it probably will work out in her favour. Peter pulls Kelsey aside to speak to her about these allegations, to which Kelsey replies that “there is a difference between me saying not nice words to her face and constantly bullying somebody.” I view this as an admission of guilt, but the episode (thankfully) ends before Peter can opine on the matter. We see a preview of Hannah Ann stating, “I am not a champagne stealer,” and it seems as though appeals are live in this case.
41. Several other issues remain outstanding – will Alabama Hannah return again at some point? Will Flowers get another flower? Will I ever get over my irrational dislike of Peter?[36]

Exhibit A

I refuse to believe that this man, who looks like a weirdly tall 12-year old wearing a pilot outfit, is someone that American women have collectively agreed to fawn over. 

Exhibit B

Host Chris Harrison (right) is objectively more attractive than him.

Exhibit C

The culmination of champagne gate.

Exhibit D

Wannabe Jillian – this outfit was much more offensive straight on, but it was tough getting a screengrab.

End Notes

[1] This has really become a tragic allegory for my own dating life.

[2] Peter placed third in Hannah’s season, being sent home following the “Overnight Dates” episode, where he is stunned to be sent home from Greece. Peter is most notable for having had sex in a windmill with Hannah four times, a point that was raised while she was sending home another contestant, Luke P., who told Hannah he would not love her if she had sex with other contestants.

[3] His Cuban heritage is not apparent in any dance abilities. I physically recoil any time he is shown trying to dance.

[4] Also a pilot, as is their father.

[5] “Think you know everything about Bachelor Peter Weber? Think again!” Life & Style. <https://www.pressreader.com/usa/life-style-weekly/20191014/281547997623982>.

[6] The Sylvan Learning Center was a tutoring institution popular in the United States and Canada during the aughts. I never needed any assistance at school, but they had many commercials airing on major networks. See “Sylvan Learning Center (Skateboard) (2005) commercial”, Youtube. <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qWGzAb_9SJU>.

[7] See his IMDB page at <https://www.imdb.com/name/nm1433813/>.

[8] He built rockets that had eggs in them, and then shot them into the air, as far as I can tell.

[9] Mcgrath, Rachel. “Oaks Christian qualifies for U.S. rocket competition” Ventura County Star. 11 May 2009. Available at <http://archive.vcstar.com/news/oaks-christian-qualifies-for-us-rocket-competition-ep-371907866-350872891.html/>.

[10] His mother confirmed Peter’s dedication, noting that Peter had “put 110 percent into this project.” Peter, to no credit of his own, somehow comes off cooler than his teammate, Robbie Thomson, who stated that he was “hyped up to go” and credited his passion for rockets to “teenage-boy genes.” Robbie Thomson, after telling women everywhere that men are preternaturally destined to be astronauts, is unlikely to make an appearance as one of Peter’s current friends.

[11] See Exhibits A and B.

[12] The dog seems cute, but the few photos that he has posted aren’t that flattering, which is a near impossibility when you’re posting a photo of a dog – all their angles are good angles. I am nowhere near as cute as dogs, so if I were his girlfriend, I’d be very concerned about him posting bad photos of me. This all leads me to believe that Peter has terrible judgment.

[13] Sample text from these memes include “Flying!! Because soccer, baseball, football, basketball, golf and tennis only require ONE BALL!!” (see Instagram post from 19 April 2017,  https://www.instagram.com/p/BTFJPLKBG-L/); “Girls who love football are not weird. They are a rare gift from God and those who love the Seahawks are the prettiest!” (see Instagram post from 11 November 2013, https://www.instagram.com/p/glYDhgPXqK/). I would like to remind you that Peter is born in the ‘90s, and thus should know how to use social media without looking like a total weirdo.

[14] There is nothing wrong with being a normal-looking human, but I go to reality television to watch pretty people make mistakes. If I wanted to see average people make mistakes, I would just leave my house and go to a bar with my friends.

[15] There were technological issues in saving my notes from Episode One, so I’m recapping this from memory.

[16] I think this ends up being Flowers, see below at paras 12-13.

[17] I actually think she will go far – she seems very kind, and she is from Tennessee so does have the Southern charm that drew Peter to Alabama Hannah.

[18] Jiang, Jordan. “IHIT investigating Burnaby shooting while Langley Mounties probe suspicious car fire”, CTV News. 20 January 2020. Available at <https://bc.ctvnews.ca/ihit-investigating-burnaby-shooting-while-langley-mounties-probe-suspicious-car-fire-1.4774944>.

[19] Boynton, Sean. “B.C. SPCA execute warrant at Langley home notorious for past animal seizures”, Global News. 19 January 2020. Available at <https://globalnews.ca/news/6434619/bc-spca-langley-seizure/>.

[20] Personally, I think it’s irresponsible in the millennial generation to be wasting money buying gifts that are already in the process of dying, but we also had a White Elephant gift exchange in my office and I chose a jar of pasta sauce, olives, and pasta because it was practical so maybe I shouldn’t be the judge of what constitutes a good and/or romantic gift.

[21] Episode One is very long, and my commitment to be more conscious about my weeknight alcohol consumption is really being tested here.

[22] This is not, in fact, a medically recognized fear. The closest diagnosis would be illynogophobia, which is the fear of vertigo, but that specifically relates to a fear of looking down (be it from a ledge or otherwise) and feeling dizzy due to that action.

[23] Usually defined as four or more individuals shot in one incident, excluding the perpetrator.

[24] For a list and further citations, see <https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_mass_shootings_in_the_United_States_in_2020>.

[25] I later recalled that she and Peter met prior to the show filming. It is unclear what exactly happened between them.

[26] I will never accept lawyers who go on this show. If you have an actual job, you don’t have time for this. On the Canadian Bachelorette, the lead, Jasmine Lorimer, was from the region where I grew up, and she brought her friend, a “criminal lawyer”, to meet the contestants and “cross-examine” them. It was painful to watch.

[27] Remember, she was never his girlfriend, she was dating two other men and chose BOTH OF THEM to propose to her over Peter.

[28] She is one year older than me.

[29] Jillian Harris is originally from Peace River, Alberta, but spent much of her adult life in Vancouver. She placed third on the thirteenth season of The Bachelor, led by Jason Mesnick, and made history by starring as the first Canadian lead of The Bachelorette on its fifth season. She got engaged following her season, but subsequently broke up with the winner. She used her time on The Bachelor franchise to launch her television career, starring as a designer on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Canada’s Handyman Challenge, and Love It or List It Vancouver. She continues to work as a television personality to this day, and initially did it without the use of Instagram, as her experience on the franchise pre-dated the app. She is what all fashion/design bloggers from Vancouver aspire to.

[30] In writing these facts out, I am reminded of a girl I went to elementary school with, who used to threaten people that they would not be invited to her birthday party if they did something to upset her.

[31] Classy was never a word I would have used to describe Kelsey.

[32] See Exhibit C.

[33] I have yet to soften on Peter.

[34] See Exhibit D.

[35] A term coined by film critic Nathan Rabin to refer to women in film whose character exists solely to teach brooding young men to embrace life and its infinite mysteries, while never pursuing their own happiness. For more information, see “Wild Things: 16 Films Featuring Manic Pixie Dream Girls” 8 April 2008. Available at <https://film.avclub.com/wild-things-16-films-featuring-manic-pixie-dream-girls-1798214617&gt;.

[36] Unlikely.