TO: Bachelor Nation

FROM: Melissa McKay

RE: The Bachelor – Peter, Episode 3

DATE: 26 January 2020

______________________________________________________________________________

Introduction

1. On 21 January 2020, at 8PM EST, Episode 3 of this current season of The Bachelor, starring Peter Weber, alias “Pilot Pete”, aired.

Champagne Gate: The Aftermath

2. The episode opens with the women still reeling from Champagne Gate. Kelsey and Hannah Ann are both crying. Old Crone wisely notes that nobody knows what will happen.
3. Flowers is invited out on a one on one date. She is concerned that Champagne Gate will ruin Peter’s mood, and thus, their date together. Peter picks her up in the mansion, drives by his family home again, and I am concerned that every date is going to involve his family.
4. Thankfully, Peter takes her to buy cowboy boots and then to a line dancing bar. A country music band is playing, and the bar is packed. It feels bizarre, because outside, it is broad daylight. I am reminded that they are in L.A. and wonder at the popularity of line dancing bars in the city.[1] In between dancing the electric slide and drinking longneck beers down, Peter and Flowers discuss Champagne Gate, and she notes that it has made her certain of her feelings for him. The link between that event and her feelings is unclear, but the pair agree that they are both smitten.
5. Back at the mansion, Kelsey and Hannah Ann are still crying. Kelsey approaches Hannah Ann so they can discuss the allegations of bullying. Kelsey reminds Hannah Ann that bullying is a serious term and that she will not tolerate such accusations being leveled against her. She apologizes for using unkind words but denies that the use of such words amounts to bullying. Kelsey further states that she “[doesn’t] even really like champagne.” Hannah Ann reiterates that she would never steal anyone’s champagne. Kelsey asks Hannah Ann why she is making this all about Kelsey.
6. We receive no more clarity on the situation, and the episode does not address it any further. Thank you for your attention on this matter, which may inexplicably return in a later episode.

The Remainder of Flowers’ Date

7. Flowers really buried the lede in the first episode when she focused on the teacup ride vomiting incident, because she has experienced some hardship. Flowers was inspired to become a caregiver (nurse) after her father passed away when she was a child. Following the death of her father, Flowers’ mother struggled with addiction, which left Flowers to take care of herself, her sister, and her mum, and meant they spent much of her childhood in and out of shelters. The fact that Flowers had never before received flowers and was so touched at being given a bottle of water makes more sense now. She is far too good for Peter, I’m very jealous of how pretty her hair is, and I want her to get off this show so she can find someone with more life experience than the plain old-fashioned doughnut she is currently conversing with. Peter, whose biggest hurdle to date was not winning that rocket competition back in Grade 12, tells her she deserves to have it all.
8. Flowers says she feels the stars are all aligning for them, and I think, somewhat unsurprisingly, she is forming this connection too strongly and too soon. Peter’s response is a very noncommittal series of quasi-romantic words, which hopefully alarms her. Inspired by Flowers’ use of the word “stars”, Peter says, “I don’t know if the stars are aligning for us but I recently had a special moment where I asked God for the woman I’m meant to be with and then I saw a shooting star.” It’s like Peter is playing a word association game, because none of these words confirm his interest in their future together but they do vaguely relate to what Flowers said. He gives her a rose.

Right Reasons, or “The Drama that Dethroned Champagne Gate”

9. We cut back to the mansion, where one contestant, Alayah, is getting wine drunk while wearing a pilot hat, claiming that she is trying out the “pilot wife life.” In a sense, she is not wrong – much of your life as a Delta commercial pilot’s wife would be spent home alone, likely drinking wine, given that a pilot’s job is to travel between cities in the continental United States. The other contestants are eating fruit.
10. A contestant named Sydney, who came off fairly well in the first two episodes for her nuanced discussion of growing up biracial in Alabama, notes that Alayah is the type of girl she usually avoids. I bet they go on the next group date together.
11. The group date card arrives. Both Sydney and Alayah are on this date.
12. Dem-EE[2] arrives in the early morning to wake the women and extort this franchise for all she can. She beats the women with pillows, gives them all various forms of sleepwear to change into (even though they were all just sleeping), and one of the women pronounces “lingerie” as “linger-ee”. Betsy DeVos has never been prouder.
13. For some reason, Dem-EE has been given clearance to plan this date. Why is Peter just handing off the organisation of these dates to women, including his ex and one of his ex’s close friends? These women do not have his best interests at heart.
14. Fortunately for Peter and unfortunately for feminists everywhere, Dem-EE constructs this date around a literal teenage wet dream – the women will be participating in a “pillow fight club” while wearing lingerie. Peter, later in the episode, says that the inspiration for the date was “bringing people back to their childhood”. He is not doing himself any favours here. At one point during the fights, he yells, “Show me you want it!” and I gagged so much that my dog came over to make sure I wasn’t choking.
15. Kelley, in a blistering moment of self-awareness, says “I’m a little nervous. I mean, who really wants to see their attorney dressed in lingerie on a TV show.” Too little, too late Kelley – your career is dead, and I hope your parents didn’t waste money sending you to a T14 school![3]
16. Host Chris Harrison is equally confused as to what led him to this point in his life.[4]
17. The final round is between Sydney and Alayah, as Dem-EE was clearly tipped off that there was tension between the two. Alayah wins, and receives a plastic tiara, which she wears to the evening portion of the date.
18. At the outset of the evening, Alayah asks to speak with Peter. She tells him about her own struggles of feeling abandoned, “you know, by friends and other people I care about.” She is speaking with a man coming hot off a date where a woman told him she lived in and out of shelters during her childhood and sometimes only had a single potato to share with her sister, so I forgive Peter for not expressing significant sympathy to Alayah’s changing friend group.
19. Once Alayah finishes telling Peter about the time she wasn’t invited to spring break in Cancun, she returns to the harem, where Sydney is waiting. Sydney, slightly wine drunk and irritated by her loss in a competition that is on par with bikini Jell-O wrestling, confronts Alayah by asking her, “do you work?”. Alayah replies that she has three jobs and asks Sydney if she works. Sydney clarifies her question, stating that she understood Alayah was a pageant girl, and didn’t know if she had a job outside that. Alayah says she has been a title holder for eight years,[5] but only Miss America gets to quit her job. Sydney tells her she sounds very rehearsed, and should work on being her real self, for Peter’s sake.
20. Cut to Kelley making the most of her one on one time with Peter by asking him what’s on his mind. The man stares blankly out into the night for a solid three seconds, wracking his brain for a thought, any thought! He then notes that Kelley is an attorney and is very smart, which are qualities he is looking for, likely to make up for his own dearth of brain activity.
21. Sydney goes in for her one on one time and tells Peter that she has struggled this week because she does not know if she is someone Peter wants to be with, given the type of women he is keeping around. She notes that many of the women are putting on facades and acting differently in front of the cameras. Wow, these women are aggressive in calling each other out, and we are only three episodes in.
22. Has Sydney never seen this show? Historically, calling out the behaviour of other contestants to the lead does not go over well – if the lead likes one of the contestants, they are going to ignore the criticism of the people who are competing against that contestant for his attention. It always looks petty, and often results in the individual who brought this up being sent home. Further, everyone will act different in front of a camera, to a certain degree, so complaining that there are people altering their tone in front of a camera seems moot.
23. Peter then takes a moment to demonstrate that he himself may have never seen this show or in fact spoken to women. He returns to the group who are out on the date, Sydney in tow, sits them all down, and says that his greatest fear is that he will choose someone who is not real with him.[6] Then, in a move that boggles the mind and demonstrates a total lack of social awareness, Peter calls on Sydney to name any individuals who she thinks are putting on a façade – IN FRONT OF ALL THE OTHER WOMEN – because he trusts her and wants to “squash this” now.
24. Sydney, who will now have to sleep with a knife under her pillow, says that maybe Alayah puts on a façade for “the imagery”. Alayah asks if anyone else feels this way, and all the other women remain silent, because they know that the proper form of female warfare is indirect and calculated. Peter, on the other hand, is the equivalent of Donald Trump out for General Soleimani.[7] He storms off, telling the women he wants them to “be real and raw”.
25. Alayah follows Peter and asks him what just happened. I agree with her – what was the legal justification for this attack? Peter says he believes Sydney, but also Alayah. Here is a man who will not be able to make any decision. Deciding where to order takeout from with him would be my personal hell. We are in for a long season.[8]
26. Peter returns to the group of women, and says he appreciates Sydney being honest and putting him before everyone, SO HE GIVES HER THE ROSE. These are not economic sanctions; this is a full-on call to war. Peter has given everyone carte blanche to ignore all forms of social propriety, effectively encouraging the women to launch pre-emptive strikes against one another.

The Pool Party

27. The following morning, Alayah is speaking with Wannabe Jillian about how mean Sydney is, and noting her concern of being sent home.
28. Host Chris Harrison arrives, and announces that there will be a pool party in lieu of a cocktail party. Members of Bachelor Nation will know that pool parties often bring drama, but the women seem oblivious to this trend, and prepare for a fun afternoon.
29. Peter enters the house, wearing swim trunks and a hoodie, as a human manifestation of Eeyore but without Eeyore’s charm. He announces that he isn’t in a fun party mood, classic Eeyore, and then pulls Sydney aside to talk further. He apologizes for drawing the world’s largest target on her back. Defence Secretary Sydney stands by what she said and tells Peter to just focus in on what he sees in this house.
30. Peter proceeds to pull each of the women aside to talk about Alayah. The women, after seeing how Sydney was rewarded for launching a missile at Alayah’s character, each offer up their own negative perspectives on Alayah. Kelsey of Champagne Gate loves Alayah but feels she “acts a way” in front of the cameras; Old Crone wears a great hat and agrees that Alayah puts it on for the cameras; the Lone Ginger says Alayah’s pageant background might predispose her to turn it on for the camera. Flowers tells Peter that she knew Alayah from the pageant circuit[9] and that Alayah asked her to lie about their acquaintanceship, and further, that Alayah was open to all possibilities that could come from The Bachelor, even if Peter weren’t her husband.
31. This is absurd. There is not a single person on this show who is on it for the sole purpose of finding love. The Instagram sponsorships can earn you up to $300,000 USD just for being a successful contestant, not to mention those individuals who can carry on to Bachelor in Paradise or become the lead on The Bachelorette. The majority of contestants do not have real jobs, or their jobs already require some form of content branding (model, blogger, etc.) and are banking on the notoriety gained from their experience on this show to promote said brand. Alayah seems completely fake and uninterested in Peter, but you could say that about at least two-thirds of the contestants every season. The reality is, the contestants constitute a group of people dating one human, and even if it were someone with a great personality and interesting life, rather than the wet loaf of Wonderbread we have in Peter here, not all of them will develop a connection with that person – in fact, the odds are very low that you will. In other words: pot, meet kettle.
32. Peter, master of decision making that he is, pulls Alayah aside to speak with her and, based on the conversations he has had with the other women, suggests that she has been manipulative.[10] He goes on about how he feels a strong connection with Alayah and really likes her, but that he can’t ignore what everyone is telling him. The fact that he would allow himself to be swayed by the other contestants, who, to a certain extent, are doing the exact same thing as Alayah, makes him a terrible lead. Either be confident in your own decisions, or get out – it is the third episode, you barely know any of these people, and the only thing guiding your initial decisions should be how you feel about the individual, not the opinions of a bunch of other randoms WHO WANT TO WIN THIS SHOW SO THEY CAN EXPLOIT THEIR OWN EXPERIENCES ON IT. Peter tells her she doesn’t seem genuine and that he has a lot to think about.
33. Host Chris Harrison shows up and tells the women that Peter left in an emotional and confused state. Wannabe Jillian starts crying and gives a speech on the importance of time, something 22-year-olds know all too well.
34. At the rose ceremony, Peter gives roses to women including Kelsey and Hannah Ann (the drama of Champagne Gate long forgotten), Old Crone, Lone Ginger, Maddie, Kelley, and apparently there is someone on this show named Deandra, who also gets a rose. When two roses are left, Peter walks away. I wonder if he has forgotten someone’s name and needs assistance, but he actually wants to confer with Host Chris Harrison, who seems irritated at being pulled away from his nightcap to help a cold bowl of porridge who can’t decide which three women to remove from a group of twenty. IT IS THE THIRD ROSE CEREMONY; YOU BARELY KNOW THESE PEOPLE. I can’t stand your indecisiveness, Peter, and am waiting for you to do something, anything, that will make me like you.
35. Host Chris Harrison removes one of the roses and informs the women that Peter will only give out one more rose. Wannabe Jillian has yet to receive a rose, and sees her opportunity to become real Jillian slipping from her fingers.[11] In a stunning move that will serve as an inspiration to all Instagram models and bloggers whose parents pay their overpriced rent, Peter gives her a rose.

Conclusion

36. Peter walks out of the rose ceremony without celebrating the journey with the contestants, as is customary following a rose ceremony. He immediately tells a producer he regrets sending Alayah home, and only did so because he was swayed by the opinion of the women. Truly, there is nothing more attractive than a man who cannot make up his mind.
37. Will Alayah be dragged back to hell? Will next week bring the revival of Champagne Gate? Will Peter just ask his mum to come live in the mansion and choose his fiancée because this is too hard for him? Honestly, that would be a better show.

Exhibit A

This is not the face of a man who agreed to announce a lingerie pillow fight club.

Exhibit B

This is not the face of a man I want next to me in a crisis.

Exhibit C

The exact moment Alayah realises that her name has been “slaughtered” (her words).

Exhibit D

She hasn’t even had a chance to drop her blog’s name yet!

End Notes

[1] CBS Local LA confirms my suspicion, in its article “Best Country Western Bars in Los Angeles”, which states “good and authentic country bars in L.A. are hard to come by for people who want to square or line dance.” See online at <https://losangeles.cbslocal.com/top-lists/best-country-western-bars-in-los-angeles/>.

[2] Demi Burnett, whose name is pronounced Dem-EE (as in Demi Lovato) rather than Duh-ME (as in Demi Moore), you will recall, competed on Colton’s season, and was noteworthy for having a mum in prison and telling Colton she hadn’t slept with a virgin since she was fifteen. She didn’t get very far with Colton, but successfully pivoted to appear on the most recent season of Bachelor in Paradise, and dictated the narrative of that season, by pretending to like a man (Derek) and then bringing on a woman she had been dating for several months prior (Kristin or Kirstin, I don’t care), who she got engaged to and then broke up with; none of these relationships were ever real but rather were constructed solely to extend the shelf life of all parties involved. The Bachelor franchise is Demi’s cash cow and she has enough people who like her television persona that she has made a career out of featuring on the franchise. Power to you, Dem-EE, you’ve gamed the system without having to date someone as dull as Peter.

[3] She went to Chicago-Kent College of Law at the Illinois Institute of Technology, which sounds about as legitimate as the Administration of Justice and Security programme offered online by the University of Phoenix Arizona, but still has a yearly(!!!) tuition of nearly $48,000.00 USD, and if that isn’t enough to make you vote for Bernie Sanders, I don’t know what is.

[4] See Exhibit A.

[5] How long is the average pageant career/how many titles is normal? I did some digging into the current Miss America, Camille Schrier – she sounds very cool, by the way, and I would like to be her friend. She is 24, and began competing in pageants at age 14, previously earning the titles of National American Miss Pennsylvania Teen and Miss USA Ambassador Teen. She actually took a 6-year hiatus from competing in pageants (because she was being a badass earning a double major in biochemistry and systems biology cum laude and then going to VCU School of Pharmacy) before winning Miss Virginia and going on to win Miss America. Her hiatus seems rare, so I think if you’re competitive, you win at least one title a year.

[6] This fear stems, in part, from the fact that Alabama Hannah got engaged to Jed, a country music singer who was using The Bachelor to launch his singing career. Not only was Jed using the show for publicity, he did not break up with his long-time girlfriend before going on the show, or after it finished filming. Alabama Hannah and Jed’s relationship went down in flames, which should serve as a lesson to everyone to never date anyone named Jed.

[7] Which really brings me back to my point that Peter has terrible judgment. He can’t post a good photo of a dog, he posts memes to his Instagram, he doesn’t understand political relations in the Middle East, and he thinks that the best way to solve a dispute between women is to lock the two of them in a closet with a shiv made from a Louboutin stiletto. Peter probably watched The Parent Trap and thought it was a how-to movie on alternative dispute resolution.

[8] See Exhibit B.

[9] I’m sorry, between overcoming her traumatic dizziness, feeding her sister, and watching over their mother, Flowers had the time to become a pageant queen? Flowers should be teaching a masterclass in time management.

[10] See Exhibit C.

[11] See Exhibit D.