Let’s be clear: The Bachelor(ette) franchise is one of my favourite things in this world. It is completely absurd, but I have watched every season since it began in 2002, much to my father’s chagrin. I will never appear as a contestant myself, because my parents raised me well enough to know that I shouldn’t look for love on a reality show, but mostly because, due to patriarchal standards, I’ve aged myself out of being a suitable woman candidate for the franchise.

As a joke and for a small audience of my colleagues, I started writing recaps of The Bachelor, styled as a legal memo, with a feminist take. Enough people have told me they find them funny that I’ve decided to publish them here, so that you can share them with friends you might have that enjoy feminism, judgment, and reality television. These recaps are, in part, inspired by the severely underrated web series, Burning Love, which you should watch.