I’m departing from my usual post-style just to flesh out something that’s been on my mind lately (but I will attach some photos from yesterday’s sunset hike, so if you aren’t interested, skip down!). Anyways, I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of a home and missing people.
I haven’t felt like I’ve really had a home since I was a kid. Yes, I had a family, I had a place to put my belongings, a place to sleep, a place I could go back to, but to me that was never my home. I made my home out of wherever I was at the moment, and that was fine with me. From Wilcox to Winnipeg, Antigonish to the middle of nowhere in British Columbia, Kingston to Cape Town, I never concerned myself with the idea of being at home. That meant I’ve never really felt homesick, because there was no home to be sick for.
I don’t know if that sounds particularly lonely, or liberating – I’ve known people who, as kids, couldn’t sleep away from their homes. I’ve known people who live in vans and cars and whatever place they find. Some people need to be tied down to a certain place, a certain person, a certain idea, and others find that incredibly constricting. Some people miss others so strongly that they never want to leave their notion of home, and never want to develop that notion into something more. I’ve never felt strongly either way – I just enjoy what I’m doing and go where life takes me and live wherever that happens to be.
That brings me to the idea of missing people. There are very few people in this world I genuinely miss and long to see. This doesn’t mean I love them any less, it just means that I’m ok with not being physically near them. I love my friends from Notre Dame, who live all over the world; I love the people I went to X with, who have scattered as well; I love the friends I’ve made these past two years at Queen’s. I love my family, who I don’t see as often as I know they want me to. But actually missing everyone – it seems too tiring, especially when there are so many new people to meet and fall in love with. Not a romantic love, just the love that comes from knowing someone and experiencing life with them, even if it’s just for a few months.
I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means when you say “I miss you.” As someone who misses very few people, when it is said to me, it means a lot. It means “I love you,” and it means it in a stronger sense than the love I described above, particularly if it’s coming from someone who has shared a lot of your life and your experiences with you. And maybe that’s why I’m so cautious about missing people, and why I’ve enjoyed moving around so much in my life. I think missing someone is the most heartbreaking feeling in the world. And those people that I love, that I don’t miss – it’s because I know I still have them. Those people that I don’t miss are still in my life, some more frequently than others, but they are all still there. So I don’t miss them. It’s those that have left my life, who I have no future with, that I really miss.
Anyways, the weather has been beautiful here – it feels like an awesome summer and my tan is coming along swimmingly! Yesterday Thea and I were lying out in our yard all afternoon, and our sun-addled brains decided we should hike up Lion’s Head for the sunset. So, with ciders and cookies in hand, we headed up!
I don’t know why I don’t hike Lion’s Head more often – I think it only took Thea and I 35 mins or so to get to the top this time – and it still kills your legs. And the view is amazing. I’m going to have to go up for a picnic at some point before I leave this city that I love.
To close off this more thoughtful post, I just want to tell everyone who takes the time to read these posts that I love them, and that you should be happy I don’t tell you I miss you, because it means you are in my life, and that you will be a part of my future. Namaste, everyone.